welcoming a tiny stranger

i met up with one of my OG besties today, and we were just chatting about life. she has a brand new [adorable/perfect/amazing] baby boy that’s just shy of a year younger than logan, so we have had a whole new host of things to chat about. as we got talking today, i realized just how lucky i am i have these wonderful friends to share life + motherhood with. it’s truly a special thing to have friends that don’t judge, can make you laugh, and just be a sounding board for you. i am truly lucky in the sense that my group of friends are those that no matter how long i go without seeing them, it seems like no time has passed. i also today was struck by just how uplifted i felt after i left. find you some friends that are low drama, high vibes. and s/o to my friends out there – you know who you are – you gals are killing it. and i appreciate you <3

i have a confession to make. when i first had logan, i did not have this overwhelming rush and gush of feelings of connection and overwhelming love for her. did i love her? sure. i knew i had made her, and she was my own. but in all honesty, she was a stranger. she had only been a silent partner for the previous 9 months, and i really didn’t know her. she was a stranger that i was welcoming into my family. i am riding a wave of mom-guilt as i write this, because i know i’m expected to feel this unbreakable, untenable bond the minute my child draws her first breath. and i didn’t. [this might be tied to the same reason i had a minor freak-out in the middle of the night around week 39, waking joey up out of a dead sleep, asking “WHAT IF SHE HATES US?!”]  the best things, though, take time in my opinion. and in a short amount of time, logan cemented her place as fave person i know. i love her more and more each day, and i can truly say she makes me a better person. but that took a little bit of time. that’s all.

when i found out i was pregnant, i expected this intense, high + low waves of love and adoration for my child. instead, i have found that my love looks more like an expansion. my heart has grown, and my capacity to love, appreciate, and be patient has expanded as well. it’s a steady, constant, love that makes me a better person. it’s hard to explain, but easy to feel. logan is by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

all this to say, it’s ok in my book if you don’t feel this crazy intense bond with your baby right away. and it’s also ok if you do! it’s all ok. whatever you are feeling, it’s ok.